White Lies You Tell Your Kids

Remember, you drank all your post baseball gatorade not me.

To my toddlers: if you are loud in the bathtub, the bubbles will all disappear. You have to whisper in the bathtub! It worked for almost 3 years.

Have a son, “you get to play with ‘it’ only so many times before itfalls off. Hands out of your crotch.”


I told my son that my credit card only works in certain stores and toys r us doesn’t take my kind of card.

Only happy kids get Happy Meals.


You’re goldfish is fine, he’s just sleeping.

If you keep putting your hands out the car window the wacking birds will come pull you out and away.

It’s illegal to use the reading lights in the car while driving.

They wanted a soda pop so I gave them water and said it was white soda.

My dad told me when I asked him what the Easter bunny wrote our letter with that his ears were made out of pens. It haunts me to this day.

The Burger King play place is closed because they are power washing it.

I tell them I’m sick so they can’t use my chap stick but honestly they’re gross and I don’t want them slobbering all over it.

Told my neice that pineapple on pizza is illegal in Chicago.

Blocked YouTube and said website is down for the day because I couldn’t listen to another version of “Daddy fingers.”

Police took away your iPad because they saw you crying yesterday.

No! I never ever had a drink or did drugs.



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