Lies You Don’t Feel Bad Telling

I told my kids the ice cream was spicy.

That I had to go into work and could not do anything all day so I could sit home and sleep.

I told my husband I lost $40 at the casino….it was really $400. Oops.

A first date with a guy texted me two hours before our first date to cancel. I responded with no worries I already made other plans…total lie.

I lied to my parents saying I was going to a late showing of Infinity War, when really I went to and early show and just stayed out late to see my boyfriend for the last time before he heads back to school in OH.

Went to a new restaurant. Did not see anything We liked on the menu. My friend and I weren’t sure if it would be rude to walk out. So I said we’ll justtell them that I just got an emergency phone call and had to leave. Then we went down the street to another restaurant that we knew we liked.

I told my two year old that we needed to put his pacifier in the mailbox so the pacifier Fairy could come pick it up and give it to a little boy who needed it more than him.

This sunday I had due a group project as my final assignment for the MBA class. I texted my teammates that I was not available to finish it as a group as I had an emergency. So my teammates lockated in various U.S. states had to finish it for me. While I was watching Avengers The infinity war.

My co worker is a know it all snob. She is superficial and a bosses pet. She puts everyone down and always has something to say. So Friday we had a townhall meeting and she turned to me and asked if she had anything on the back of her pants. I said she was fine but in reality she has a pizza stain on the back of her tan slacks. She walked up in front of the team and everyone got silent. Before she could reach the podium another co worker told her and she ran to the bathroom and left for day.

My girlfriend found a lighter in my pants pocket and ask if I started smoking again. I told her no the lighter is to start the grill. What she doesn’t know is that I didn’t stop smoking.

Met someone at the bar over the weekend and apparently told them that I had been a surrogate for a high profile celebrity couple. That’s false. I’ve never been pregnant and have no interest in ever being pregnant. What is wrong with me?

Winner: No your moles don’t bother me.

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Adam Lambert