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The Line You Used To Get Out Of A Bad Date

I have a bladder infection

“Oh my god! I just sharted!”

My friend got arrested and needs me to bail him out

I used to be on call and make friends page me when on bad dates to leave. They couldn’t try to make me stay because then they’d look like the a hole 

Re Programmed my phone as my business name and texted myself that “the plumbing just exploded, need you back here right now”

Sorry, I just remembered it’s my dogs birthday

In the middle of the date, I started having a conversation with an imaginary person and when they asked whom I was talking to, I told them my childhood friend. They ran out. Mission complete 

I actually got up to use the bathroom track the waitress down paid the bill and left without saying anything

A guy I was on a date with told me he had to leave because he had to take a huge dump and didn’t want to smell up my house 

My mom went on a date and the guy told her, her eyes we’re as blue as the blueberries in the muffin he was eating. She told him that this dates over I think you better get your eyes checked because her eyes are hazel

I said I had to leave to go break in a new engine in my friend’s hot rod 

I was bitten by a bat the night before and had to take my antibiotics to prevent rabbies 

I just swallowed a cap that came off my tooth! 

Ive got to go my dad called and he needs help reprogramming the TV because he doesn’t know how to work the remote 

I told my date I had to go home to pack because I was moving to Cambodia the next morning to teach orphan children basic life skills. I would be gone for at least 6 months, but my time could be extended up to 3 years

I pointed to a random woman at the bar and said excuse me, that’s my gynecologist and I need a refill for my yeast infection medication and I walked away

Have to give my gold fish a bath 

WINNER: On a first date I was running late because I got hit by a CTA bus! I called to tell him and he got mad because he thought I was making it up to get out of the date- but it really happened! 

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