When I was drunk, I accidently sent a text to literally my entire contacts list “I want pizza! Get me pizza!”
There’s panties in my back seat and Arby’s sauce on my door handle. So much for a Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Kathy and I saw sexy Jesus earlier!!! My boobs aren’t close enough together to hold a shot glass!!!
- you weren’t a bad girlfriend 2) I still hate you 3) that’s tres in Spanish 4) Nickelback sucks
I just want to bang for the babies.
My last drunk text was “I’m surrounded by beautiful people and feel like a troll”
After a night out with bottles of champagne with my ex, I got home and instead of texting “I’m not right for you,” I texted, “I’m not _ight for you.
Last drunk text I sent: “I miss you … But I don’t mean it”
Omg I just winked and it made me think of you. Hope you are well
Tacosssssssssss (from my wife who was sitting next to me)
Drunk texted my ex at 3 am just to wake her up and remind her I still hate her
The sour cream at taco bell is magical
Little john needs to turn into medium john ASAP.
Sorry I was staring at your pregnancy boobs – don’t tell Sean
“I think I just hit u with my car, I’m sorry”