I’m three quarters of the way to being the 40 year old virgin.
I would rather go places by myself than go with you
I don’t look good naked
I’ll probably never love you as much as I love myself
If there’s no booze, I’m out
I’m relying on the hope of your standards being lower than mine.
If you put a bag over my head, I look like a supermodel
I’ve logged way more hours on Netflix than at the gym.
I will only stay faithful to you a month or so.
My life revolves around my dog.
I will encourage you to eat and drink a lot so I can feel skinny.
Ever dated a millionaire? If not, I can help you keep the streak going
I turn the buttons on the stove for the burners 12 times to make sure they are off
I show my affection by insulting you.
I’m a creepy sleeper since my eyes don’t fully shut.